Why Have I Not Been Blogging?

Hi everyone!
Warning: this is a long post with no pictures! LOL
Wow, I have been so MIA here at The Thrifty Groove. I have to confess, it wasn’t intentional. And I have kinda of surprised myself. I didn’t realize I wasn’t blogging. It just happened.
As many of you long time readers of The Thrifty Groove know, these past few years have been tough for us here. We have gone through a lot of trials an tribulations. So many ups and downs. And then at the beginning of this year my husband was able to return to work full time for the first time in ten years. What a blessing! So, you would think I would just be blogging my heart out. A major stress was removed from my life. At least that is what I thought I would be doing.
My husbands job is an OTR Driver (Over the road). He is gone for at least two-three weeks at a time. So, all of a sudden I am the only one home. After being together 24/7 for ten years this is a major change. 
For the past ten years, the major traumatic situations that have happened to us were out of my control. I would do what I could but, ultimately, I had no control over what was happening. And being a control freak, this is not a good thing. I needed to have some kind of control somewhere in my life. Something I could do and succeed at.
Due to all the things that were happening, money become unbelievable tight. So, that was my “control”. I threw everything I had into being as thrifty as possible and still feeling like we had a good life. Turning a penny into a nickel is what I needed to do. Fortunately, I grew up in a thrifty but very happy home. So, I had a good solid foundation to work with.
I created saving money and penny pinching into a game to help with the mental stress of it all. I went to the library regularly and checked out books on frugality, DIY and bartering and trading. I subscribed to as many money saving online newsletters I could find. I joined message boards that were focused completely on stretching money. I found alternatives to things we needed that didn’t cost as much as retail. I was a regular shopper at thrift stores looking for items that needed to be replaced that I couldn’t afford to buy new. I searched out methods to make a few dollars here and there. I did online surveys that would pay out at a couple of dollars. I delved into the world of Mystery Shopping and other self employed small jobs. We eventually started selling our extra herbs at a local farmers market and slowly created our small herb Business DTL Herbs.
In other words, it became a full time job just trying to make ends meet. And I did it. Don’t get me wrong, we had help from family and friends occasionally, but, overall I made it work. It was exhausting and scary all the time but, I was in control of something.
When I hit a wall as far as cutting back on expenses and squeezing every penny I could I knew I needed a new approach to the “Game”. I had to get past the depression of doing this everyday for years. I then found all the extreme couponing blogs. And threw myself into this arena. It worked. I was back in control. I got to the point of saving money via groceries and other household items that I was asked by a friend to start a blog and share the different coupons and ways to do extreme couponing with her and other friends. So I started The Thrifty Groove. I was in the groove daily with saving money so, that is how that name came about. The blog was just a tiny private “grab this coupon and use it with this other coupon for this item that is on sale” type of blog. I also started teaching classes on couponing. I had made up folders of all kinds of related information and shared this with friends, families and at places like church.
What I didn’t realize until just recently, was that I became like a horse with blinders on. I had ONE focus, make every penny count. All the other things that were happening that I had no control over I dealt with them by shoving it all in some deep dark area in my brain and locking the door. I couldn’t handle trying to work through those other issues. They hurt too much and I couldn’t do anything about them. And I had to continue to play the money game because  due to these others issues, we were accumulating other bigger expenses.
Now move ahead to this year. We have a decent income. I never got us into credit card debt so, catching up on bills was pretty easy once we got a regular income into our home. Getting used to knowing we have some money and about how much every week was an absolute miracle! I had forgotten how amazing it is to have a regular income.
I started finding myself not sleeping, not eating properly, no motivation, letting my home slide into chaos, not taking care of my health and ultimately my mental health started going into a dark place. All of that quickly became a very ugly vicious circle. I couldn’t stop it. Everything just became worse.
And blogging? Forget about that. I used to blog everyday and then dropped down to 5 days and eventually dropped down to 3 days a week. Then the new year came and I didn’t have any energy or desire to blog. What on earth would I blog about when I felt the way I did?
I would try a little here and there but, nothing felt fun or new to me. I just didn’t care. I didn’t seem to care about anything.
None of this made any logical sense to me. I couldn’t figure it out. One of the biggest daily stresses, money was lifted from my shoulders. If anything I should be jumping with joy not falling into some dark pit!
So, what’s the problem right? 
Demons. They started rearing their ugly heads in my mind.
All those horrible things that I couldn’t deal with and shoved into the dark recesses of my mind started to come forward. Once I was able to not have to put every bit of my energy into trying to make our money stretch the old locked door had room to open.
It has taken me weeks to finally figure out what was happening to me. My main focus in day to day life was suddenly gone. I felt freaked out. And I was alone. Troy was gone most of the time. I felt myself falling. It was so scary to feel myself lose control. I was able to publically put on an act, at least enough to not let my friends and family become worried about me.
Finally I talked to my doctor about the lack of sleep. It was/is a huge problem that effects every other aspect of my life. The quality of my life went into a deep hole and I couldn’t pull it out. Fortunately my doctor has been with us through the past ten years and knows all the things we have struggled with. So, we just talked.
She brought to light all the stuff I had pushed to the side was still there and until I can let go of it, things aren’t going to change. Well, that’s easier said than done! But, at least it did make sense. And recognizing the problem and acknowledging it is a huge first step.
Letting go of the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the anger and the feeling that I don’t deserve to be happy because of all the feelings above is not going to be easy. But, I have started to deal with them. And just knowing that is helping tremendously. And so I also decided to go ahead and deal with it here. It is kind of a therapy. LOL Plus, I know so many of you have always been there for me and deserved to know what was going on with me and this blog.
So, I am taking it one step at a time until I can get to a place where I am happy with me. A few tiny steps in the right direction have already begun to happen so, that makes me feel good!.
I want to thank all of you who have been there and are still here! You have always been a great source of motivation and inspiration.
Please forgive me if this sounds like a big rambled mess. I had no idea what I was going to write and I just went freestyle and let my fingers do the typing. If I go back and try to fix the sentences or paragraphs I will end up editing so much stuff out and I don’t want to do that. I just wanted to get it all out there.
And I guess we will discover together what direction The Thrifty Groove goes because I haven’t a clue!

20 comments :

  1. My dear friend! I knew something was different but just thought it was the change of Troy being gone so much. I do get it, believe me! I have my demons also and while I continue to deal with them most days, I have times I just want to climb in the bed and pull the covers up. I am so blessed to have my girls and my grands and my Mom, but sometimes it's also almost too much to handle. I need to learn to say no to them sometimes and more YES to myself. I am so proud of you for facing this and working on it. I'm here for you always and we can chat privately any time you want! As you know my blog has changed big time since meeting you online and starting my blog also. Our lives have changed and I'm looking to find a new way to enjoy my blog. I hope you will find where you want The Thrifty Groove to go and find some Joy in it! Big Hugs!

    Linda

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  2. Wrestling demons is hard work! I'm glad to see you writing again! One day I'll start again too!

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  3. One day at a time. You will get where you need to be. Life throws us all for a loop. You're fighting back. Talking about it helps. If you need us we are here.

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  4. Thank you for your transparency. I believe we help and begin to free ourselves and others when we are open and honest about the things that we go through. You are not alone, each of us have our "journeys" that we travel. With me it was the passing of my husband. His passing also came with revelations and complications, so the grief was compounded with other emotions that has taken quite a while to work through. But through it all I know that the Lord was and is with me...just as He is with you. You are going to be just fine and in the process, help many others. Thank you again for being REAL. Much Love to you

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  5. I admire you for venting! It helps, I know. Just to get it all out lifts some of the strain. You are so brave and strong I know you will come thru the other side. It takes a lot of energy to put on a brave front, I know. Divorcing after 39 yrs, I traded abuse for uncertainty. I've been squeezing pennies until they squeal right along side you. Not being allowed to work all those years makes it impossible to find a job. 3 of my 4 kids are on SSI due to his abuse. It's scary, hang tough, you're on the right path. I keep telling myself one day I will be happy again. You have a lot of people out here who care a lot about you. Wishing you all the best xoxoxo
    *hugs*deb

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  6. I am happy you are back, and hope you can continue to share your thrifty advice. BUT, more than that, thanks for being real with us. I have been in that deep dark place, and thank you for sharing. It is good to know I am not the only one. It will be interesting to read about your new revelations, and who knows who you will also be helping.

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  7. Diann, I appreciate your honesty. So many bloggers would have you believe their lives are perfect and no one has a perfect life. Sometimes it feels like we have come close but there is always something to trip us up. We do after all live in a fallen world. I am glad to see you back and I hope each day becomes a little easier for you. Writing helps me a lot although I don't always share my feelings. Take care and take one day at a time. God bless you!

    Hugs,
    Sandi

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  8. Strength! And a great big hug on Saturday morning! Linda@Wetcreek Blog

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  9. Sleep is so important! I told my doctor the other day that as long as I sleep and feel rested I can handle what life brings me. But the minute I don't everything is always so much worse!

    I think it's a good idea to share here on your blog if you feel that it helps you. I'm sure it will help many others as well.

    Hugs,

    Manuela

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  10. I don't see a rambling mess!! I see beauty from ashes...keep moving forward!

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  11. Dear Diann....I was SO GLAD to see your post. I am deeply sorry to hear of your struggles. Depression can, indeed, plunge us into dark abyss and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel at times. What you and Troy have been through is enough to send anyone over the edge. But you have survived and you have motivation to keep going and THAT COUNTS. For myself, I find living in the moment to be very therapeutic. Things I cannot handle on my own I tend to turn over to God. For me, He is the Master of the universe. Honestly, Diann, I believe it will all work out for you in the end. You are in a new phase of your life and you are NOT ALONE. If there is anything I can do----anything----just let me know. Susan

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  12. We understand. We miss your posts, but knowing you are looking to heal and get to feeling better and more energetic is of utmost importance.

    I myself haven't been able to blog - with showers, graduations, weddings, teas, sick kitty, new baby in family, blah blah blah - well all of that takes charge and the fun things get set aside (blogging is fun.)

    I don't sleep either and it makes us a wreck.

    I wish you all the best. Hang in there, you aren't alone. Hugs.

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  13. Hi Diann,
    Thank you for inspiring us all through all these years. It's ok to back off. We'll be here to pray and support you. You've been through a lot of hardships and it's not been busy. Please take the needed time to take care of you. It's important so that Troy will have someone healthy to come home to. We love you and appreciate you and pray you'll get the necessary help to feel better.

    The bible says, "all things we will work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose" I believe those words daily for my life and hope you will too!
    Big hug!
    LaDonna

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  14. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Hang in there, take it one day at a time and it will get better.

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  15. It's as if you opened up my head and wrote down what you saw going on in there. I haven't blogged in weeks, nothing much to say, my bed is my best friend anymore. I'm so glad you took this step, you are so very strong, look how far you have come already! take care.

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  16. Dearest Diann;
    You and Troy have been through so much....Everyone has their own private demons, that they never speak about. You deserve an award for telling the people whom read your Wonderful Blog just what all is going on in your life.
    You are so Caring to post everything which you did. You will in turn help so many other people, and you will not ever be aware of it!!!
    I hope that you will continue to feel better. You are so Brave to be so Honest.
    I wish that I lived closer, as I would come over and cook for you and we could sit and giggle and chat.
    Please Take Care, and if I can do ANYTHING to help you and Troy, PLEASE let me know!!! Contact me!

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  17. Thank you for sharing. I hope you'll find your way back to blogging as it's one I've always enjoyed reading. (I understand some of your feelings. I retired early to help care for my mom. When she died, I lost that focus for my days. It's taken me several years to slowly find my way again.)

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  18. It's good to read the words of a woman that is totally honest and puts herself out there for others. BEING REAL...Praying for you and asking our Lord to bind those demons from you and to render them harmless and ineffective. Hang in there! God has an ultimate plan. Hugs and blessings, Cindy

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  19. Diann, I am cheering you on for dealing with your demons...we all have them, but not everyone knows quite how to deal with them. I truly hope you kick their butts!

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  20. Sending big hugs to you & Troy both!

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Thank you for taking the time to comment! I love to hear your ideas. If you ask a question, I will answer it here in a comment back to you. Please check back! Thank you for visiting and have a wonderful day! Diann :)